All my Striving-9/28/2007

all my striving
So after all my striving…
i end up back where i started..back at the place..where all along i’ve wanted to be…right at His feet..asking Him to make me the woman i am constantly…constantly striving to be…
I think..so much of me..is still somewhat…confused..confused about why things work out one way for some people..and differently for me..not that i am complaining..i mean it in the most gentle sense…
some people have it a lot worse off..and others it seems so much better…

i think i have spent the better part of my young adult life…trying to make it..trying to attain some greatness in my own mind..and i’ve always fallen short..

and that is why i sit here..when i should be sleeping..
and all my mind can do..is think..
think about the constant…constant perfection i’ve tried to attain..
which has failed…terribly…
as i sat on my bathroom floor..in silence..removing the black toenail polish from my feet and hands..God and i had a good talk…
sometimes i get sick of me…

i get sick of doing things my way…and that is why..after months of me striving i confess…its gotten me no where…
i love the psalm…73..i think i’ve quoted it before “i had nearly lost my foothold, for i envied the arrogant when i saw the prosperity of the wicked..” it goes on to say “i was senseless and ignorant…i was a brute beast before you”.
whoa..
pretty intense right?
a brute beast..hmm..i dont know if thats exactly the right way to put..but i guess compared to God’s great majesty…thats exactly what i’ve been…Brute..i do find myself often wishing i had certain things…and then God gently reminds me..of all the times…he’s allowed me to have the things my heart’s fancied that werent from him..and how devastating those times were…

the psalm gets better..because..God..Consistent.and wonderful..comes in..and says…Let me Guide you!
whew….what a relief..
sometimes its hard to quit being brute…
He promises to guide me with his counsel…

“Whom have i heaven but you and earth has nothing i desire besides you…My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart..and my portion forever”

So with that said..
i sit here..tired of striving..
tired of being me sometimes…
i guess from now on..i’ll have to fake it till i make it..(its okay..i am not suggesting..being fake..i am suggesting practicing those good behaviors..that are part of sanctification)

So because God promises through Christ..to redeem me..and to fill my life with Good things…i will fall more deeply in love with Him..and start striving in the right direction…

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